Looks pretty good, but I think good pitches are supposed to be a bit shorter.
Fortunately, there are a number of parts I would suggest cutting anyway, because they're tangential and only distract from the main idea that you're pitching.
So we have these lines:
He knows his little brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel Lord Marakis uses children – cheaper and easier to replace than robots – to carry explosives down tunnels. The elders of his family intend to bring their case before the high nobles at the annual court session. But they have no solid proof, and a man like Marakis wouldn't hesitate to lie. Besides, Kennet might be dead by then.
I'm of two minds on the final paragraph. On the one hand, I feel it also wanders from the point when it goes into Kiril not having a backup plan in case he survives. On the other, I like that concept, it feels more original than the rest of the pitch, and I absolutely love this line: "may require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined."
So I guess my suggestion to you is this: ask yourself which question about Kiril you want to predominate the pitch? Do you want your pitch to be about Kiril's decision to lose family, house and honor to protect his brother? Or do you want it to be about Kiril finding the heroism to survive "as a nameless creature, a ghost among aliens"?
Don't try to address both. Pick one, and center your pitch around it. Address the other question only so much as is necessary to explain the main question.
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Fortunately, there are a number of parts I would suggest cutting anyway, because they're tangential and only distract from the main idea that you're pitching.
So we have these lines:
I'm of two minds on the final paragraph. On the one hand, I feel it also wanders from the point when it goes into Kiril not having a backup plan in case he survives. On the other, I like that concept, it feels more original than the rest of the pitch, and I absolutely love this line: "may require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined."
So I guess my suggestion to you is this: ask yourself which question about Kiril you want to predominate the pitch? Do you want your pitch to be about Kiril's decision to lose family, house and honor to protect his brother? Or do you want it to be about Kiril finding the heroism to survive "as a nameless creature, a ghost among aliens"?
Don't try to address both. Pick one, and center your pitch around it. Address the other question only so much as is necessary to explain the main question.
... and whatever you do, don't blink. Good luck.