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FINAL query? (This time I mean it!)
Hi, everyone. Deirdrej and I have been working some more on the query - before sending it to more agents, I want to be sure it's as strong as it possibly can be. Here it is - would be glad to get some opinions. (We are both a bit sad to lose Niki, who is such a big part of the story - but you don't have to tell the whole story in the query, do you?)
Note: I rewrote this, after all. So I have pasted the new query below this one. I think it may be there!
All his life, sixteen-year-old Kiril Tesurik has dreamed of being a hero. He never imagined he would become a thief and a traitor instead. But his little half-brother has been enslaved and sent to the desert mines to carry explosives down tunnels. His people's laws might be able to right this injustice, but by then, little Kennet will almost certainly be dead. So Kiril must act quickly. In order to rescue Kennet, he must lie, steal and betray everyone he loves, losing his home, his name, his family, and his honor.
Kiril expects to lose his life, as well. Once he has stolen Kennet and smuggled him to the aliens, who keep no slaves, he intends to return home and take his punishment, as an honorable man should. But, if he does, he will have abandoned the little brother he has sworn to protect. Sometimes, there are no good choices. Sometimes, it takes everything you have, and more, to find a way forward. If Kiril is to lead his brother into a new life among the aliens, he will need to discover a type of heroism he has never even imagined.
And so on - the final paragraph will include genre, word count, previous publication, why I chose that particular agent, etc. Looking forward to concrit!
And here, after getting some crit, is the rewritten version:
When he was alive, and had a name, he was Kiril Tesurik. He will be the last in his family to bear that name. No one will want it after him.
Kiril is sixteen, and has grown up knowing he would be the head of his family. He is not yet a man, but, for the last two years, he's been old enough to plan crop rotations, to buy and sell land, and to defend his clan's honor. He has fought duels, and won them. But what he must do now sends his thoughts whirling like dust in a windstorm. He is not afraid of robbing Lord Marakis, who robbed his family; he's not even afraid of dying. But he is terrified of hurting the people he loves.
He and his cousin Niki have declared themselves dead in order to right a great wrong. Kiril's little half-brother, Kennet, the son of a Terran slave, has vanished. There is no solid proof: nothing that their elders could bring before the court, but Kiril and his cousin know that Lord Marakis has stolen Kennet. Marakis uses children to carry explosives in his mines, and many are maimed for life. Many more die. Kiril cannot let that happen to his brother. He intends to steal Kennett back, stow away aboard a Terran ship, and bring the little boy to his mother's people.
But, if he robs Marakis, the man will have the right to punish Kiril's family. In order to protect them, Kiril has cast off his family and renounced his name. Now he hopes for only two mercies from the gods. He hopes Kennet will find a home with the Terrans, and that the rest of his family, including his cousin, will be safe. He expects no mercy for himself. He is dead.
HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at approximately 81,600 words. (and so on)
What do you think? Which do you like better?
Note: I rewrote this, after all. So I have pasted the new query below this one. I think it may be there!
All his life, sixteen-year-old Kiril Tesurik has dreamed of being a hero. He never imagined he would become a thief and a traitor instead. But his little half-brother has been enslaved and sent to the desert mines to carry explosives down tunnels. His people's laws might be able to right this injustice, but by then, little Kennet will almost certainly be dead. So Kiril must act quickly. In order to rescue Kennet, he must lie, steal and betray everyone he loves, losing his home, his name, his family, and his honor.
Kiril expects to lose his life, as well. Once he has stolen Kennet and smuggled him to the aliens, who keep no slaves, he intends to return home and take his punishment, as an honorable man should. But, if he does, he will have abandoned the little brother he has sworn to protect. Sometimes, there are no good choices. Sometimes, it takes everything you have, and more, to find a way forward. If Kiril is to lead his brother into a new life among the aliens, he will need to discover a type of heroism he has never even imagined.
And so on - the final paragraph will include genre, word count, previous publication, why I chose that particular agent, etc. Looking forward to concrit!
And here, after getting some crit, is the rewritten version:
When he was alive, and had a name, he was Kiril Tesurik. He will be the last in his family to bear that name. No one will want it after him.
Kiril is sixteen, and has grown up knowing he would be the head of his family. He is not yet a man, but, for the last two years, he's been old enough to plan crop rotations, to buy and sell land, and to defend his clan's honor. He has fought duels, and won them. But what he must do now sends his thoughts whirling like dust in a windstorm. He is not afraid of robbing Lord Marakis, who robbed his family; he's not even afraid of dying. But he is terrified of hurting the people he loves.
He and his cousin Niki have declared themselves dead in order to right a great wrong. Kiril's little half-brother, Kennet, the son of a Terran slave, has vanished. There is no solid proof: nothing that their elders could bring before the court, but Kiril and his cousin know that Lord Marakis has stolen Kennet. Marakis uses children to carry explosives in his mines, and many are maimed for life. Many more die. Kiril cannot let that happen to his brother. He intends to steal Kennett back, stow away aboard a Terran ship, and bring the little boy to his mother's people.
But, if he robs Marakis, the man will have the right to punish Kiril's family. In order to protect them, Kiril has cast off his family and renounced his name. Now he hopes for only two mercies from the gods. He hopes Kennet will find a home with the Terrans, and that the rest of his family, including his cousin, will be safe. He expects no mercy for himself. He is dead.
HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at approximately 81,600 words. (and so on)
What do you think? Which do you like better?
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~The JJ formerly known as Mouse on Occlumency, now occasionally known as The Query Goblin
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Always your faithful stalker. ;)
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Sorry for the lack of contact - I get a phone in the new flat tomorrow (two weeks after moving in . . .) but have to wait another two weeks for broadband. So I only have internet access at work (I am typing this in my lunchbreak). Very frustrating!
And you should of course bear in mind that I have never written a query, or read one (professionally) so be advised by someone with more knowledge rather than by me!
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I do think you're right about the first sentence you want to change. Originally, it had read, "he can feel his mind go blank. He thinks he must be afraid. Not of Marakis ..." and so on. That sounds much more like Kiril to me; he's a plainspoken kid and not given to dramatic imagery. I think I need to keep this in his voice as much as possible. The sentence following that - I'll have to think about it.
Anyway, I'm glad there seems, finally, to be a consensus on this query! It does seem to sum up the book pretty well. :)
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I now have a phone, but no broadband, so I have to use my work computer after working hours - very frustrating!