A third try at the query

[mary_j_59]

Here's another attempt at the query. R.J. and Deirdre, thanks so much for your help! I think this is definitely a lot better than my first try, but I'm not sure it's there yet. More under the cut-


Sometimes you have to do what is right, even if it costs you your life.

16-year-old Kiril Tesurik knows this. He knows his little brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel Lord Marakis uses children – cheaper and easier to replace than robots – to carry explosives down tunnels. The elders of his family intend to bring their case before the high nobles at the annual court session. But they have no solid proof, and a man like Marakis wouldn't hesitate to lie. Besides, Kennet might be dead by then.

Kiril has sworn to the gods that he will protect his brother. But, on Telanan, the government will punish your entire family for any crime you commit. In order to rescue Kennet, Kiril will have to lie, steal, and betray everyone he loves, losing his life, his home, his family, and his honor.

If Kiril does everything perfectly, no punishment will fall on anyone else – only on him. He' knows everything he needs to carry out his plan, except for one detail he's forgotten. He hasn't planned to survive. He doesn't know how to go on living as a nameless creature, a ghost among aliens. To do this, and to go on protecting his brother, may require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined.

HONOR is a standalone SF novel for young adults, complete at 80.600 words. I am contacting (agency) because, as a teen librarian, I am familiar with several of the authors you represent and would be honored to be in their company. A short story from this novel has been published in issue 31 of "Mythic Circle", and I am working on two shorter fantasy novels for middle-grade children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Comments

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

Oh, a story about a culture-clash can definitely be SF, and some of the most interesting SF deals with just that issue. But it's framed in a distinctively SFnal way, if you know what I mean.

Who told you you had to leave Niki out of the query? If she's integral to the story, put her in, by all means.

*goes back to look at earlier comment threads*

OK, I'd completely missed Deirdre's second take on the query with Niki included, so you'll find the rest of my response back there...

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Um - I thought you did, RJ? Didn't you say that a YA novel must not have more than one protagonist, and that you shouldn't name or mention any but the most essential characters in your query?

But Niki is pretty essential, and I'll be happy to add her back in. As to your other point, I'm sorry if I was seeming defensive at all. That wasn't my intention - Deirdre and I were discussing this question a bit more tonight, and it turns out that I define a lot of things (Incarceron, Catching Fire, and The Giver, for exampe, as SF that Deirdre sees as fantasy - and that are actually marketed as fantasy. I certainly don't want to kill my chances of selling my novel by insisting that it's SF. It's not what I would call fantasy, but, like Deirdre, I'm fine with the term speculative fiction, and will use that instead. Because it's certainly not hard SF. It just happens to be set in the future, on an alien planet. If anyone picks up the book and chooses to market it as offworld fantasy, whatever that is, I wouldn't argue!

Now I guess I'll have to rewrite and try to say a little about Niki and her story - while keeping this to 300 words or less! Because she really is a big part of the plot, and it felt odd and wrong to me to leave her out. I felt as though I was misrepresenting my own book.

Thanks again for your feedback! I'm going to let this sit awhile now (sheer exhaustion, I'm afraid), and get back to it in a day or two.

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure I didn't say a YA novel must only have one protagonist, because that would rule out my own WAYFARER among numerous other books that have multiple MC's! And I wouldn't have said you shouldn't name the other significant characters in the book, because (again) that would disqualify the query I wrote for KNIFE, which mentions Paul McCormick and Queen Amaryllis as significant players in Knife's quest.

What I do remember saying, or at least intending to say, is that the query should keep the focus on the main character and his/her dilemma. But if other people play significantly into the MC's story (or if there is more than one MC!) then of course it's important to mention them. My initial remark was in regard to the line about how Kiril's choice affects "his family" and I felt that way of putting it was too vague and drew attention from the main story. Telling us about Niki, though, since she's a crucial character who is instrumental in helping Kiril in his quest -- nothing wrong with that.

But yes, I quite understand the exhaustion. I'm feeling much the same way right now after some comments I got from a beta reader, and need a few days to mourn my own failure process them and figure out how to use them in revisions. Take the time you need! The query will be better for it.