A third try at the query

[mary_j_59]

Here's another attempt at the query. R.J. and Deirdre, thanks so much for your help! I think this is definitely a lot better than my first try, but I'm not sure it's there yet. More under the cut-


Sometimes you have to do what is right, even if it costs you your life.

16-year-old Kiril Tesurik knows this. He knows his little brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel Lord Marakis uses children – cheaper and easier to replace than robots – to carry explosives down tunnels. The elders of his family intend to bring their case before the high nobles at the annual court session. But they have no solid proof, and a man like Marakis wouldn't hesitate to lie. Besides, Kennet might be dead by then.

Kiril has sworn to the gods that he will protect his brother. But, on Telanan, the government will punish your entire family for any crime you commit. In order to rescue Kennet, Kiril will have to lie, steal, and betray everyone he loves, losing his life, his home, his family, and his honor.

If Kiril does everything perfectly, no punishment will fall on anyone else – only on him. He' knows everything he needs to carry out his plan, except for one detail he's forgotten. He hasn't planned to survive. He doesn't know how to go on living as a nameless creature, a ghost among aliens. To do this, and to go on protecting his brother, may require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined.

HONOR is a standalone SF novel for young adults, complete at 80.600 words. I am contacting (agency) because, as a teen librarian, I am familiar with several of the authors you represent and would be honored to be in their company. A short story from this novel has been published in issue 31 of "Mythic Circle", and I am working on two shorter fantasy novels for middle-grade children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Comments

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

Much improved! Thought, thinking like an agent (i.e. with a view to how the book might sell to both a publisher and to bookstores) I still kind of want to know why it's SF and not fantasy, when fantasy is a much easier sell and it's hard to see anything in the query* that requires the book to be SF.

In all honesty, it really SOUNDS like a secondary-world fantasy to me with the mention of Lords and honor and so on, and all the mock covers you've shown (Kiril with a sword) also scream fantasy rather than SF. I'm assuming you made the genre choice you did for a good reason, but if so, I think the agent will need a bit more evidence that the SF elements are crucial to the book.

Essentially, though, I do think it's a fine solid query!

--
* I mean, yes, you mention robots, but explosives aren't exclusive to SF, and in theory you could just have the evil Lord decide that kids are the best way to take explosives down tunnels without even bringing robots in as an option.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I'm glad you think it improved, but, I must say, it was especially hard to write this query because I left out two absolutely central characters, and hated to do it. As to why it's SF: the story's set on an alien planet, in the future, and involves spaceships and a culture clash or two - also computer hacking and holoscreens. And yes, these things are essential to the plot. But it's not hard SF at all - much more like the SF of LeGuin, Diane Duane and Hilari Bell, who are all authors I admire. Would it work to call it speculative fiction? I think that's probably more accurate, if SF makes people think of hard SF that is more about science than people. My book is much more about people than science - but there is some science in it, and no magic at all.

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

The problem isn't that calling it SF makes me think of "hard science", the problem is that the query as it stands makes me wonder how integral the SF elements actually are to the plot, or whether the story could be lifted right out of its SF context and plopped into a secondary-world fantasy without changing a significant thing.

For instance, if the novel is about some particular scientific discovery or the ramifications thereof -- if the same or very similar story could not take place in a world without advanced science and technology -- then it's obvious the book has to be SF. You can't write a book about the first exploration of Mars, or encountering an alien race that switches gender every couple of weeks, or developing a serum to cure Altzheimer's and discovering that it turns nice elderly people into ravening zombies, in any other genre but SF.

But if it looks like you could change "alien planet" to "far-off country" and "spaceships" to "sailing ships and/or horses" without substantially altering the main plot (which as it stands in the query goes something like "teen boy risks everything to save brother from terrible fate at the hands of cruel lord; is outcast by his family and society as a result") then it begs the question, why is this an SF book in particular, and not a fantasy or an alt-historical? Are the SF elements critical to the plot, or are they just set dressing?

I hasten to add that I am not saying your book isn't legitimate SF; I have no reason to believe it isn't. I'm just saying that without a line somewhere in the query mentioning how the high-tech stuff is crucial to the plot, it makes me wonder a little what makes the book SF. Is there somewhere that you can drop in a quick mention of how computer hacking and/or holoscreens play a vital role in Kiril's dilemma or the resolution thereof?

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

I'd be very happy to explain the holoscreens and computer hacking, but then I'd have to drag Niki back into the query, and I was told I had to leave her out! Probably because the SF writers I cut my teeth on were L'Engle, Key, Bradbury and LeGuin, and they were always writing about human society, and what makes us human, I refuse to believe that a story about a culture clash can't be SF! That said, I do see your point. But Kiril's main dilemma isn't a scientific one; it's a human one. To add yet more info that wasn't in this pitch, Kennet is the son of a Terran slave, and Kiril intends to get the little boy to his mother's people. Would there be any point to putting this information in? Or would it be better just to bypass the question and call this speculative fiction?

As to why this isn't plain fantasy, I just never thought of it as such. It was always set on an alien planet, so I always thought of it as SF - have thought of it so for 20 years. It's hard to change. Do I really have to?

I hope I'm not being defensive here - I really do appreciate your feedback.

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

Oh, a story about a culture-clash can definitely be SF, and some of the most interesting SF deals with just that issue. But it's framed in a distinctively SFnal way, if you know what I mean.

Who told you you had to leave Niki out of the query? If she's integral to the story, put her in, by all means.

*goes back to look at earlier comment threads*

OK, I'd completely missed Deirdre's second take on the query with Niki included, so you'll find the rest of my response back there...

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Um - I thought you did, RJ? Didn't you say that a YA novel must not have more than one protagonist, and that you shouldn't name or mention any but the most essential characters in your query?

But Niki is pretty essential, and I'll be happy to add her back in. As to your other point, I'm sorry if I was seeming defensive at all. That wasn't my intention - Deirdre and I were discussing this question a bit more tonight, and it turns out that I define a lot of things (Incarceron, Catching Fire, and The Giver, for exampe, as SF that Deirdre sees as fantasy - and that are actually marketed as fantasy. I certainly don't want to kill my chances of selling my novel by insisting that it's SF. It's not what I would call fantasy, but, like Deirdre, I'm fine with the term speculative fiction, and will use that instead. Because it's certainly not hard SF. It just happens to be set in the future, on an alien planet. If anyone picks up the book and chooses to market it as offworld fantasy, whatever that is, I wouldn't argue!

Now I guess I'll have to rewrite and try to say a little about Niki and her story - while keeping this to 300 words or less! Because she really is a big part of the plot, and it felt odd and wrong to me to leave her out. I felt as though I was misrepresenting my own book.

Thanks again for your feedback! I'm going to let this sit awhile now (sheer exhaustion, I'm afraid), and get back to it in a day or two.

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure I didn't say a YA novel must only have one protagonist, because that would rule out my own WAYFARER among numerous other books that have multiple MC's! And I wouldn't have said you shouldn't name the other significant characters in the book, because (again) that would disqualify the query I wrote for KNIFE, which mentions Paul McCormick and Queen Amaryllis as significant players in Knife's quest.

What I do remember saying, or at least intending to say, is that the query should keep the focus on the main character and his/her dilemma. But if other people play significantly into the MC's story (or if there is more than one MC!) then of course it's important to mention them. My initial remark was in regard to the line about how Kiril's choice affects "his family" and I felt that way of putting it was too vague and drew attention from the main story. Telling us about Niki, though, since she's a crucial character who is instrumental in helping Kiril in his quest -- nothing wrong with that.

But yes, I quite understand the exhaustion. I'm feeling much the same way right now after some comments I got from a beta reader, and need a few days to mourn my own failure process them and figure out how to use them in revisions. Take the time you need! The query will be better for it.

Speculative Fiction! Yay!

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

R.J., thank you -- and I would thank you even if I didn't agree with you, because you have been so wonderfully helpful to my sister!

Mary, I really like the 'speculative fiction' moniker if you're not going to call the story an offworld fantasy. It's precise enough, and doesn't lead anybody to expect the story to be something it's not!

Then again, I am not a big fan of SF -- except in some movies and TV shows. (Dr. Who, for example).

I wouldn't be afraid to call the book a fantasy. Granted, most fantasy does have magic -- but some has very little. The "Queen's Thief" series, for instance.

But speculative fiction works for me!

PS I guess the consensus is that the 2nd or 3rd cover attempt is better?

[litlover12.livejournal.com]

I haven't kept up very well lately, so I didn't realize you were working on a query till now. But if I may, I'd like to recommend these links:

http://cba-ramblings.blogspot.com/search/label/Query%20critique

http://cba-ramblings.blogspot.com/search/label/Query%20letters

My agent runs this blog. I'm afraid she never takes SF or fantasy -- no exceptions. (She just doesn't like the genres and so she doesn't believe she can represent them fairly.) However, she's got a lot of useful tips here that I hope you'll find helpful.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'll have a look.

[sylvanawood.livejournal.com]

I'm completely ignorant of how these things work, but I think the third paragraph is too much. The first two grip me and I want to read, the third I want to figure out myself. It takes a bit of the tension away if I know in the beginning that he'll survive, unless this is told as a flashback? Or the main story is his the time after the rescue?

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

As a reader, I can definitely see where you're coming from, Sylvanawood! But RJ, above, told me that a query isn't exactly like the jacket blurb, in that you don't want to spoil your readers, but shouldn't worry about spoiling the agent. They need to hear the whole story. As far as that goes, the main part of the story is the kidnapping, what leads up to it, and what follows from it. But there are two climaxes, as it were, and RJ thought I should hint at the second - thus the last paragraph.

[arkan2.livejournal.com]

Looks pretty good, but I think good pitches are supposed to be a bit shorter.

Fortunately, there are a number of parts I would suggest cutting anyway, because they're tangential and only distract from the main idea that you're pitching.

So we have these lines:

He knows his little brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel Lord Marakis uses children – cheaper and easier to replace than robots – to carry explosives down tunnels. The elders of his family intend to bring their case before the high nobles at the annual court session. But they have no solid proof, and a man like Marakis wouldn't hesitate to lie. Besides, Kennet might be dead by then.

I'm of two minds on the final paragraph. On the one hand, I feel it also wanders from the point when it goes into Kiril not having a backup plan in case he survives. On the other, I like that concept, it feels more original than the rest of the pitch, and I absolutely love this line: "may require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined."

So I guess my suggestion to you is this: ask yourself which question about Kiril you want to predominate the pitch? Do you want your pitch to be about Kiril's decision to lose family, house and honor to protect his brother? Or do you want it to be about Kiril finding the heroism to survive "as a nameless creature, a ghost among aliens"?

Don't try to address both. Pick one, and center your pitch around it. Address the other question only so much as is necessary to explain the main question.


... and whatever you do, don't blink. Good luck.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks for chiming in. Those aren't bad suggestions - I wanted to emphasize that the elders were, in fact, acting like responsible adults, and that Kiril, as nominal head of his family, takes his responsiblities -especially towards the younger kids - very seriously. But there's no room for all of that in a query. And, since I have to focus on the actual plot and mention another character, I'll probably end up taking out exactly those sentences. I was going to remove the first clause, about the robots, anyway.

Otherwise - conflicting views, here and on queryagent, about the final paragraph. RJ (who is a published author, and a good one) feels you need to give a potential agent some sense of how the story will conclude. Others disagree. I - don't know. I think the final paragraph does say something essential about the themes I'm addressing and the tone of the book, but I've got to rewrite this pitch, anyway.

[arkan2.livejournal.com]

I'll go along with RJ about giving the publisher some idea of how the story concludes. My suggestion was more along the lines of encouraging you to couch the conclusion in terms of the overarching question of the pitch, rather than introducing a new question, which I think is what you did here.

Let's say just for example that you want the query to be about Kiril being an outcast, and the sorts of things he's forced to do. Then my advice is to make your conclusion about that. If it turns out you have to introduce a separate question (Kiril dealing with an unexpected consequence of being an outcast) then it seems to me you should either not try to explain the conclusion or frame your query around a question which will allow you to discuss the conclusion.

... I'm sorry, I can't seem to figure out a clearer way to say all that. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Hey Mary-- I have another question

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

Well, Maria (who, as you know, is very brilliant ;-) was talking about the "speculative fiction" thing today. And she thought you might want to avoid pigeonholing yourself.

The book is clearly fiction -- why don't you just say that, with an age range, possibley? That way, people won't throw it away because they "don't read" this or that kind of thing. Speculative fiction might be too limiting, too.

Just a thought!

<3~Deirdre

Re: Hey Mary-- I have another question

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting idea, Deirdre - and thank Maria for me. But I think agents and publishers do like to know genres, since they market that way? I know there are agents who would be extremely disappointed if they were looking for mainstream/contemporary fiction and got my novel! OTOH, if they were looking for literary fiction - who knows?

But I think they do like to know what the genre is, don't they?