A third try at the query

[mary_j_59]

Here's another attempt at the query. R.J. and Deirdre, thanks so much for your help! I think this is definitely a lot better than my first try, but I'm not sure it's there yet. More under the cut-


Sometimes you have to do what is right, even if it costs you your life.

16-year-old Kiril Tesurik knows this. He knows his little brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel Lord Marakis uses children – cheaper and easier to replace than robots – to carry explosives down tunnels. The elders of his family intend to bring their case before the high nobles at the annual court session. But they have no solid proof, and a man like Marakis wouldn't hesitate to lie. Besides, Kennet might be dead by then.

Kiril has sworn to the gods that he will protect his brother. But, on Telanan, the government will punish your entire family for any crime you commit. In order to rescue Kennet, Kiril will have to lie, steal, and betray everyone he loves, losing his life, his home, his family, and his honor.

If Kiril does everything perfectly, no punishment will fall on anyone else – only on him. He' knows everything he needs to carry out his plan, except for one detail he's forgotten. He hasn't planned to survive. He doesn't know how to go on living as a nameless creature, a ghost among aliens. To do this, and to go on protecting his brother, may require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined.

HONOR is a standalone SF novel for young adults, complete at 80.600 words. I am contacting (agency) because, as a teen librarian, I am familiar with several of the authors you represent and would be honored to be in their company. A short story from this novel has been published in issue 31 of "Mythic Circle", and I am working on two shorter fantasy novels for middle-grade children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Comments

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks for chiming in. Those aren't bad suggestions - I wanted to emphasize that the elders were, in fact, acting like responsible adults, and that Kiril, as nominal head of his family, takes his responsiblities -especially towards the younger kids - very seriously. But there's no room for all of that in a query. And, since I have to focus on the actual plot and mention another character, I'll probably end up taking out exactly those sentences. I was going to remove the first clause, about the robots, anyway.

Otherwise - conflicting views, here and on queryagent, about the final paragraph. RJ (who is a published author, and a good one) feels you need to give a potential agent some sense of how the story will conclude. Others disagree. I - don't know. I think the final paragraph does say something essential about the themes I'm addressing and the tone of the book, but I've got to rewrite this pitch, anyway.

[arkan2.livejournal.com]

I'll go along with RJ about giving the publisher some idea of how the story concludes. My suggestion was more along the lines of encouraging you to couch the conclusion in terms of the overarching question of the pitch, rather than introducing a new question, which I think is what you did here.

Let's say just for example that you want the query to be about Kiril being an outcast, and the sorts of things he's forced to do. Then my advice is to make your conclusion about that. If it turns out you have to introduce a separate question (Kiril dealing with an unexpected consequence of being an outcast) then it seems to me you should either not try to explain the conclusion or frame your query around a question which will allow you to discuss the conclusion.

... I'm sorry, I can't seem to figure out a clearer way to say all that. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?