Final draft of query?

[mary_j_59]

Here is one last stab at it! RJ, I tried to combine the two previous ones as you suggested, and I do think the story is a lot clearer as a result. Looking forward to everyone's reactions-

All his life, Kiril Tesurik, sixteen, has wanted to be a hero. He never imagined he would become a criminal. But his little half brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel lord Marakis uses children to carry explosives down tunnels. In order to rescue Kennet, Kiril will have to lie, steal, and betray everyone he loves, losing his life, his home, his family and his honor.

Kiril is determined that the punishment for his crime will fall only on him. Unfortunately, his fifteen-year-old cousin, Niki, also knows the full truth, and she is determined to help him. Niki is brilliant with numbers and patterns, and can hack into any communication system – even the government's. He will need her help to steal Kennet back from Marakis and smuggle him to the aliens, who keep no slaves.

Once Kennet and Niki are safe, Kiril plans to go back and take his punishment. He hasn’t planned to go on living, especially not as a nameless creature, a ghost among the aliens. To survive, and to keep protecting his cousin and little brother, will require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined.

HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at 80,600 words. I am contacting (agency) because, as a teen librarian, I am familiar with several of the authors you represent, and would be honored to be in their company. A short story from this novel has been published in issue 31 of Mythic Circle, and I am presently working on two fantasy novels for younger children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Comments

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

Yes, very very good! I only have one outstanding question: now that Niki and Kennet (and Kiril) are among the aliens, what is he protecting them from? What is the threat that continues to hang over their heads once the rescue is accomplished (and presumably leads to the book's climax)?

You don't have to tell us how it's resolved, just who's threatening them. I think that would give the last couple of lines that extra punch: "...to keep protecthing his cousin and little brother [from...] will require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined."

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks again, RJ, and I do hope you're feeling better. You've spent so much time and energy helping me with this; I want to emphasize how much I appreciate it.

Your last question threw me for a bit, because the type of heroism Kiril has to learn about, and display, is, in a way, the entire point of the book. I don't think there is any way I can tell more about it without spoiling the story. So it might be better to remove the hint of a threat to Kennet and Niki. Really, the only threat is that Niki might subvert Kiril's plans for her and go haring off home! (Hey, maybe that should be the sequel!) I'm thinking I might say something like, "Kiril hadn't planned to survive. To go on living as a nameless creature, a ghost among the aliens, will require a type of heroism.."

Do you think that might work? If so, I will change it. And someone on agent query connect pointed out that I might be better off starting with, "All his life, sixteen-year-old Kiril Tesurik..."

Thanks very much again! I have started some minor revisions (so far, luckily, my readers aren't calling for anything major), and hope to be in a position to start contacting agents by the end of the month.

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

I think it's either-or in this situation, then, and you can go with whatever version you like best. The idea of a threat to Kennet and Niki that Kiril must remain with them to defeat seems more compelling to me than just hearing that he has to go on living as a nameless ghost among aliens, which seems more of a static thing (sad, but static) with no imminent hope of resolution. However, if there isn't actually a big threat to Kennet and Niki once they're rescued, then the original version might be a little misleading.

I don't think I can help any further without actually reading the book, but I'm glad you feel my comments have been of some use to you in the end!