Final draft of query?

[mary_j_59]

Here is one last stab at it! RJ, I tried to combine the two previous ones as you suggested, and I do think the story is a lot clearer as a result. Looking forward to everyone's reactions-

All his life, Kiril Tesurik, sixteen, has wanted to be a hero. He never imagined he would become a criminal. But his little half brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel lord Marakis uses children to carry explosives down tunnels. In order to rescue Kennet, Kiril will have to lie, steal, and betray everyone he loves, losing his life, his home, his family and his honor.

Kiril is determined that the punishment for his crime will fall only on him. Unfortunately, his fifteen-year-old cousin, Niki, also knows the full truth, and she is determined to help him. Niki is brilliant with numbers and patterns, and can hack into any communication system – even the government's. He will need her help to steal Kennet back from Marakis and smuggle him to the aliens, who keep no slaves.

Once Kennet and Niki are safe, Kiril plans to go back and take his punishment. He hasn’t planned to go on living, especially not as a nameless creature, a ghost among the aliens. To survive, and to keep protecting his cousin and little brother, will require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined.

HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at 80,600 words. I am contacting (agency) because, as a teen librarian, I am familiar with several of the authors you represent, and would be honored to be in their company. A short story from this novel has been published in issue 31 of Mythic Circle, and I am presently working on two fantasy novels for younger children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Comments

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

Yes, very very good! I only have one outstanding question: now that Niki and Kennet (and Kiril) are among the aliens, what is he protecting them from? What is the threat that continues to hang over their heads once the rescue is accomplished (and presumably leads to the book's climax)?

You don't have to tell us how it's resolved, just who's threatening them. I think that would give the last couple of lines that extra punch: "...to keep protecthing his cousin and little brother [from...] will require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined."

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks again, RJ, and I do hope you're feeling better. You've spent so much time and energy helping me with this; I want to emphasize how much I appreciate it.

Your last question threw me for a bit, because the type of heroism Kiril has to learn about, and display, is, in a way, the entire point of the book. I don't think there is any way I can tell more about it without spoiling the story. So it might be better to remove the hint of a threat to Kennet and Niki. Really, the only threat is that Niki might subvert Kiril's plans for her and go haring off home! (Hey, maybe that should be the sequel!) I'm thinking I might say something like, "Kiril hadn't planned to survive. To go on living as a nameless creature, a ghost among the aliens, will require a type of heroism.."

Do you think that might work? If so, I will change it. And someone on agent query connect pointed out that I might be better off starting with, "All his life, sixteen-year-old Kiril Tesurik..."

Thanks very much again! I have started some minor revisions (so far, luckily, my readers aren't calling for anything major), and hope to be in a position to start contacting agents by the end of the month.

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

I think it's either-or in this situation, then, and you can go with whatever version you like best. The idea of a threat to Kennet and Niki that Kiril must remain with them to defeat seems more compelling to me than just hearing that he has to go on living as a nameless ghost among aliens, which seems more of a static thing (sad, but static) with no imminent hope of resolution. However, if there isn't actually a big threat to Kennet and Niki once they're rescued, then the original version might be a little misleading.

I don't think I can help any further without actually reading the book, but I'm glad you feel my comments have been of some use to you in the end!

[arkan2.livejournal.com]

All his life, Kiril Tesurik, sixteen,

This reads like the opening paragraph of a biographical newspaper article, particularly the way you insert his age in there. Still, I'm quibbling now, and the only other issues I have with the query are also quibbles.

Good luck!

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Um - well - thanks, I guess. It's my understanding that agents want to know that you are writing about, as well as for, teenagers. So the age is staying in there!

[missfloraposte.livejournal.com]

Is it supposed to reveal more parts of the plot than the back of the book blurb usually would? A bit like an abstract?

The only quibble I would have is that 'carry explosives down tunnels' feels like a little too much detail, and it slows the paragraph down a little. Maybe something more vague, but still emphasizing the risk? 'carry out deadly tasks'?

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

Hey, Mary!

I think it sounds great -- And I rather disagree with Missfloraposte, because I don't think the mention of explosives is slowing things down at all. My only quibble (well, OK, everybody has to have one!) is with the last sentence. How about something like...

If Kiril survives, he will have to find a kind of courage he has never imagined before. Or words to that effect.

I think it's reading very well -- Yay, Mary!

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

I think I have it! How about:

Kiril didn't plan to go on living. But he just might survive, and if he does, he will be able to lead his cousin and his little brother into an unimaginably new life. But to do this, he will have to find courage-- and determination -- that he didn't know he had.

My YA novel, complete at # words, reworks the themes of classic American 19th century literature in a future civilization.......

OK this is getting out of hand. :-)
Do with it what you will, Mary!

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

No, actually, that's helpful. I think I can make something of it that neither loses tension nor falsifies the book. Thanks!

(And David is scarily brilliant, isn't he?)

[anne-arthur.livejournal.com]

Sorry for being so slow to comment. This really seems to capture the book very well now, but, with the proviso that I really know nothing about pitches to agents, here are a few comments.

1) I don't like 'Kiril Tesurik, sixteen' either - it sounds as if he is being interviewed for a newspaper! 'All his life, sixteen-year-old Kiril Tesurik' is much better.

2) I'm not sure about 'the cruel lord Marakis' - it just gives me a picture of him cackling madly and twirling his moustache while handing explosives to small children, somehow. Would it be possible to say something like 'sent to the desert mines, one of the children used to carry explosives down tunnels'? Or leave lord Marakis in, but leave out the cruel? After all, employing children in dangerous jobs is something we would automatically think of as cruel - it doesn't need to be labelled as such.

3) I like 'to survive, and to keep protecting his cousin and little brother', and it is true - but R J Anderson is right, he is not protecting them from anything specific. I rather like Deirdre's suggestion about leading them into an unimaginable new life - that might be a very good compromise, IMO.

4) I was going to say that including Niki might make everything too complicated, but you've managed to sum up her part in the story beautifully! I would however suggest toning down 'can hack into any computer system, even the government's'. I think this might just suggest to an agent that what you have is a clone of Lisbeth Salander from 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' - when really, Niki is anything but! So perhaps going easy on the preternatural hacking abilities, and including some of Niki's unLisbeth-like qualities (such as warmth, loyalty, family feeling) might be an idea. But perhaps that is just me?

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

I am so glad you did reply! This was very helpful. I am going with, "Sixteen-yer-old Kiril Tesurk", since I like it better, too - as someone said over on the agentquery board, it flows better. And Deirdre and I both laughed aloud at the image of the cruel Marakis twirling his mustaches! So the adjective is definitely coming out. Not having read The Dragon Tatto, I wasn't aware that readers might even think of Niki as being like that character! And it is all her qualities - her loyalty and affection and strong moral sense, as well as her know-how - that land her in the middle of this plot. But I'm not sure: I have so little room to get the book across that I may just leave her with her mad hacker skills and let any prospective agent discover the rest when they read the full manuscript.

I really do appreciate your input, as always. Thanks!

[anne-arthur.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you found the comments helpful! And since no-one else has made the Dragon Tattoo</> connection, it's probably just me - I've been reading the book for a book club I go to (which met on Tuesday) so it's been rather on my mind. Not a book I'd recommend, really, and I certainly have no desire to read the sequels, but it was an interesting one to discuss.