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Final draft of query?
Here is one last stab at it! RJ, I tried to combine the two previous ones as you suggested, and I do think the story is a lot clearer as a result. Looking forward to everyone's reactions-
All his life, Kiril Tesurik, sixteen, has wanted to be a hero. He never imagined he would become a criminal. But his little half brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel lord Marakis uses children to carry explosives down tunnels. In order to rescue Kennet, Kiril will have to lie, steal, and betray everyone he loves, losing his life, his home, his family and his honor.
Kiril is determined that the punishment for his crime will fall only on him. Unfortunately, his fifteen-year-old cousin, Niki, also knows the full truth, and she is determined to help him. Niki is brilliant with numbers and patterns, and can hack into any communication system – even the government's. He will need her help to steal Kennet back from Marakis and smuggle him to the aliens, who keep no slaves.
Once Kennet and Niki are safe, Kiril plans to go back and take his punishment. He hasn’t planned to go on living, especially not as a nameless creature, a ghost among the aliens. To survive, and to keep protecting his cousin and little brother, will require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined.
HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at 80,600 words. I am contacting (agency) because, as a teen librarian, I am familiar with several of the authors you represent, and would be honored to be in their company. A short story from this novel has been published in issue 31 of Mythic Circle, and I am presently working on two fantasy novels for younger children. I look forward to hearing from you.
All his life, Kiril Tesurik, sixteen, has wanted to be a hero. He never imagined he would become a criminal. But his little half brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel lord Marakis uses children to carry explosives down tunnels. In order to rescue Kennet, Kiril will have to lie, steal, and betray everyone he loves, losing his life, his home, his family and his honor.
Kiril is determined that the punishment for his crime will fall only on him. Unfortunately, his fifteen-year-old cousin, Niki, also knows the full truth, and she is determined to help him. Niki is brilliant with numbers and patterns, and can hack into any communication system – even the government's. He will need her help to steal Kennet back from Marakis and smuggle him to the aliens, who keep no slaves.
Once Kennet and Niki are safe, Kiril plans to go back and take his punishment. He hasn’t planned to go on living, especially not as a nameless creature, a ghost among the aliens. To survive, and to keep protecting his cousin and little brother, will require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined.
HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at 80,600 words. I am contacting (agency) because, as a teen librarian, I am familiar with several of the authors you represent, and would be honored to be in their company. A short story from this novel has been published in issue 31 of Mythic Circle, and I am presently working on two fantasy novels for younger children. I look forward to hearing from you.
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1) I don't like 'Kiril Tesurik, sixteen' either - it sounds as if he is being interviewed for a newspaper! 'All his life, sixteen-year-old Kiril Tesurik' is much better.
2) I'm not sure about 'the cruel lord Marakis' - it just gives me a picture of him cackling madly and twirling his moustache while handing explosives to small children, somehow. Would it be possible to say something like 'sent to the desert mines, one of the children used to carry explosives down tunnels'? Or leave lord Marakis in, but leave out the cruel? After all, employing children in dangerous jobs is something we would automatically think of as cruel - it doesn't need to be labelled as such.
3) I like 'to survive, and to keep protecting his cousin and little brother', and it is true - but R J Anderson is right, he is not protecting them from anything specific. I rather like Deirdre's suggestion about leading them into an unimaginable new life - that might be a very good compromise, IMO.
4) I was going to say that including Niki might make everything too complicated, but you've managed to sum up her part in the story beautifully! I would however suggest toning down 'can hack into any computer system, even the government's'. I think this might just suggest to an agent that what you have is a clone of Lisbeth Salander from 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' - when really, Niki is anything but! So perhaps going easy on the preternatural hacking abilities, and including some of Niki's unLisbeth-like qualities (such as warmth, loyalty, family feeling) might be an idea. But perhaps that is just me?
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I really do appreciate your input, as always. Thanks!
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