Final draft of query?

[mary_j_59]

Here is one last stab at it! RJ, I tried to combine the two previous ones as you suggested, and I do think the story is a lot clearer as a result. Looking forward to everyone's reactions-

All his life, Kiril Tesurik, sixteen, has wanted to be a hero. He never imagined he would become a criminal. But his little half brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel lord Marakis uses children to carry explosives down tunnels. In order to rescue Kennet, Kiril will have to lie, steal, and betray everyone he loves, losing his life, his home, his family and his honor.

Kiril is determined that the punishment for his crime will fall only on him. Unfortunately, his fifteen-year-old cousin, Niki, also knows the full truth, and she is determined to help him. Niki is brilliant with numbers and patterns, and can hack into any communication system – even the government's. He will need her help to steal Kennet back from Marakis and smuggle him to the aliens, who keep no slaves.

Once Kennet and Niki are safe, Kiril plans to go back and take his punishment. He hasn’t planned to go on living, especially not as a nameless creature, a ghost among the aliens. To survive, and to keep protecting his cousin and little brother, will require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined.

HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at 80,600 words. I am contacting (agency) because, as a teen librarian, I am familiar with several of the authors you represent, and would be honored to be in their company. A short story from this novel has been published in issue 31 of Mythic Circle, and I am presently working on two fantasy novels for younger children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Comments

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

I am so glad you did reply! This was very helpful. I am going with, "Sixteen-yer-old Kiril Tesurk", since I like it better, too - as someone said over on the agentquery board, it flows better. And Deirdre and I both laughed aloud at the image of the cruel Marakis twirling his mustaches! So the adjective is definitely coming out. Not having read The Dragon Tatto, I wasn't aware that readers might even think of Niki as being like that character! And it is all her qualities - her loyalty and affection and strong moral sense, as well as her know-how - that land her in the middle of this plot. But I'm not sure: I have so little room to get the book across that I may just leave her with her mad hacker skills and let any prospective agent discover the rest when they read the full manuscript.

I really do appreciate your input, as always. Thanks!

[anne-arthur.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you found the comments helpful! And since no-one else has made the Dragon Tattoo</> connection, it's probably just me - I've been reading the book for a book club I go to (which met on Tuesday) so it's been rather on my mind. Not a book I'd recommend, really, and I certainly have no desire to read the sequels, but it was an interesting one to discuss.