The Desolation of Smaug, as told by Fili and Kili, with help from Bilbo and others-

[mary_j_59]

The Desolation of Smaug, as told by Fili and Kili, with help from Bilbo and occasional interjections from other characters-
Or, Wrong Movie, Dude!
After seeing The Desolation of Smaug, I was looking for sporkings, but couldn't find any, so I wrote my own. Note: Fili and Kili are still my favorites of the dwarves; they have been since I was a little girl. There's a wonderful analysis of the characters and their relationship here.
Warning: Spoilers for Peter Jackson's Desolation of Smaug



The Desolation of Smaug,
(or, Wrong Movie, Dude)

As told by Fili and Kili, with help from Bilbo and comments from other characters-

Scene one: (Gandalf, running. The dwarves and Bilbo, running after him. A large black bear, running after all of them.)

Gandalf: Run!
Kili: There’s a big bear chasing us.
Fili: I know!
Kili: And we’re, like, running straight into his den?
Fili: ?
Kili: Is this a good idea?
(Fili shrugs.)
Gandalf: Run faster!
(Everyone runs faster.)

Scene two: (Everyone lies down in the straw inside Beorn’s house. Fili whispers to Kili.)

Fili: What happened to that scene where Gandalf tells this dude a story and we all come along two by two? I liked that scene!
(Kili shrugs.)
Fili: I know we bolted the door, but-
Kili: ?
Fili: Isn’t it the were-bear’s door? Can’t he open it?
Gandalf: Oh, yes. He will, eventually.
Fili: I don’t find that very reassuring? Do you find that reassuring, Kili?
Kili: No!
Bilbo: No! Gandalf-
Gandalf: (Snores.)

Scene three: At Beorn’s breakfast table.

Beorn: I don’t like dwarves. I REALLY don’t like dwarves.
Bilbo: I’m not a dwarf!
Gandalf: Neither am I. (Fili and Kili roll their eyes.)
Beorn: Luckily for you, I like goblins even less than dwarves.
Kili: (Whispers to Fili) Is this where Gandalf tells him how we killed the great goblin?
Fili: (whispers back) Apparently not.

Scene four: The edge of Mirkwood.

Kili: (Strokes his pony’s nose.) Nice pony! Why can’t we take you into the forest?
Bilbo: Because, if you do, that bear who’s been following us for three days will kill us all.
Gandalf: Well spotted, Mr. Baggins!

Scene Five (Mirkwood Forest):

(Everyone wanders around in a daze.)
Fili: Why is everyone so sleepy? Is there an evil willow tree singing sleepy songs at us?
Kili: Wrong movie, dude.
Bilbo: Actually, I don’t think that scene was even in the movie.
(They wander some more. Bilbo goes off and starts climbing a large oak tree.)
Kili: Hey! Did our uncle, Thorin Dreamboatshield(tm sarahtales) tell Bilbo to climb that tree, or is he acting on his own initiative?
(Fili shrugs. They wander some more. Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, two wizards confer.)

Scene six: (Dol Guldur)

Radagast: So, this is the bit where you walk into an evil wizard’s fortress, confront him, have a battle, and he locks you up in a prison from which the forces of nature, personified by winged creatures, rescue you?
(Gandalf shrugs. From a great distance, Fili and Kili and Bilbo say in chorus:) Wrong movie, dude!
Radagast: I represent the forces of nature! Can I rescue you?
Gandalf: I doubt it.

Scene Seven: (Mirkwood forest)

Fili: Aren’t we in Mirkwood? What happened to the black squirrels? The white hart Uncle Thorin Dreamboatshield kills? The boat Bilbo and I spot on the bank of the stream of forgetfulness? The woodland feasts of the elves? I could use a woodland feast about now.
Kili: So could I. But I don’t think we’re going to get one.
Spiders (hissing evilly): But we are!

Bilbo: (Is wrapped in evil spiderwebs. Slashes his way out with a dagger from Gondolin and goes to rescue the dwarves.)
Fili: Hey! You’re supposed to rescue me first!
Kili: That’s in the book, bro. This is a movie.
(The Dwarves and Bilbo kill a lot of spiders.)
Kili: Isn’t it supposed to be bad luck to kill a spider?
Fili: (Surrounded by elven archers) Looks like you’re right.
(The dwarves get arrested by elves and thrown into the elven-king’s dungeon. Bilbo escapes thanks to his magic ring.)

Scene eight: King Thranduil’s realm

Thorin: (Is interrogated by Thranduil. Keeps mouth shut.)
Thranduil: Okay, dude. You can stay in my dungeons and ROT if you don’t tell me what you’re doing.
Fili: Isn’t he supposed to be one of the good guys?

Slightly later (Orc is interrogated by Thranduil. Does not keep mouth shut. Thranduil beheads him after promising him safety.)
Legolas and Tauriel: Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be one of the good guys?
Thranduil: Whatever.

Slightly later, in dungeons-
Kili: (Fingering runestone)
Tauriel: What’s that?
Kili: It’s a runestone my mother gave me to keep me safe.
Tauriel: Oh, young and handsome dwarf, why do I feel a sense of foreboding when you tell this tale?
Fili: Yeah, this makes me sad.
Audience: Us, too.
Fili and Kili, to audience: Do you know something we don’t?

(Biblbo tiptoes up to dwarves, bearing keys he’s stolen.)
Bilbo: Hurry! Follow me! Let me pack you into these barrels.
Dwarves: Are you crazy?
Bilbo: How else are you going to escape the elven king’s enchanted dungeons?
Dwarves: Oh, all right.
(They get in barrels and Bilbo opens the trap door to drop them into the river.)
Fili: Aren’t you supposed to pack us in straw and close the barrels?
Kili: How could we fight these hordes of orcs if he did that?
Fili: Hordes of orcs? Where did they come from?
(The dwarves fight hordes of orcs. Legolas and Tauriel appear on the riverbank and fight orcs, too. Kili leaps from his barrel to open the river gate and gets shot in the leg.)
Tauriel: Oh, my dear young dwarf, my foreboding has increased.
Fili and audience: Ours, too.


Scene Nine: Laketown

Fili: Dude, what are you doing? I thought we were supposed to get out of these barrels now. Why are you throwing rotten fish on top of us? Doesn’t our uncle, Thorin Dreamboatshield, walk right in to Laketown and announce our presence?
Kili. (weakly and feverishly) That’s in the book, bro. This is a movie.
Fili: Oh. But aren’t we supposed to have a feast? Isn’t there a big celebration when the king under the mountain returns?
Bilbo: I could use a feast right now.
Kili: Couldn’t we all?

Kili (Is sick.)
Bilbo: No wonder. I have serious questions about the cleanliness of these Laketown people. Why don’t they all have cholera?
Fili: I think you’re being anachronistic.
Bilbo: Of course I am! That is my role in this epic quest. I’m a walking anachronism. By the way, where’s Gandalf?
Fili and Kili: No idea, dude.

Meanwhile, not far away, orcs track the dwarves. Elves – namely Tauriel and Legolas – track the orcs.
Kili: (is sick) That doesn’t seem right. Where are all these orcs coming from?
Fili, Bard, and Bard’s children, joined by Tauriel and Legolas: Don’t worry! We will defend you. (They do)
Tauriel: Now I must discover Athelas, also known as kingsfoil, and use it to heal this young dwarf, thus proving my fitness to rule this city.
Legolas and Fili, in chorus: Wrong movie, dude!
Tauriel (with dignity) I may be a liberated woman, but I am not a dude. Also, what is a movie?
Bard’s children: Um – we thought it was our dad who had to prove his fitness to rule this city?
The master of Laketown: Hereditary Kingship is evil and Bard is a threat to me! Therefore I have put him in prison even though he insists that only he can kill the dragon. Of course, there is no dragon.
Bard’s children: You wish.

Scene Ten: The Desolation of Smaug (including Smaug’s lair)

Bilbo: Okay, I remained hopeful and watched the thrush knock three times and found the secret door and even agreed to go down this tunnel to the dragon’s lair. Can anyone tell me why Thorin is pointing his sword at me and what this evil smirk signifies?
Fili and Kili: (are silent, because they’re about fifty miles away.)
Balin: It might possibly signify that he has been corrupted by a magical jewel that cannot be destroyed even by dragon fire-
Bilbo: Wrong movie, dude!

(Meanwhile, in a town not so very far away)
Kili: Aren’t we supposed to be rescuing ponies and recovering supplies and bringing them up to our secret encampment?
Fili: Not yet. Also, that’s in the book, bro. This is a movie.

(Meanwhile, in a tunnel)
Bilbo, to Balin: Thanks for coming part way with me.
Balin: Think nothing of it. Shout if you get into trouble.
Bilbo. I will. Definitely. I will most certainly shout if I get into trouble. What will you dwarves do if I shout?
Balin: Oh – I don’t know. I suppose we’ll think of something.

(Slightly later, in Smaug’s treasure chamber):

Bilbo: So I’m supposed to look for the Arkenstone and bring it back to Thorin? Does that dwarf have any concept how much treasure is in this chamber? And by the way, how do I know what the Arkenstone even is? I thought I didn’t know what it was when I picked it up.
Fili and Kili: That’s in the book, dude. This is a movie.
Bilbo: At least there’s no dragon – eep! There’s a dragon absolutely everywhere! It’s enormous! It’s the size of the chamber! And – it’s talking to me! Eep! (Hides behind pillar. Bilbo and Smaug play cat and mouse.)

Bilbo: Okay, I am in the lair of a huge and evil dragon. He’s probably hungry, too, since he’s been sleeping awhile. I am about the size of a delicious canapé to him – a shrimp, for example, or possibly a peanut. I have a magical ring that renders me invisible. Why don’t I put it on?
Audience: We have no idea, dude. Why DON’T you put it on? We would!
Fili and kili, from a town not so very far away: So would we!

Thorin: Come, dwarves! Let us distract this dragon and save our burglar!
Other dwarves: Um – okay.
(The dwarves rush into the chamber and much hot action ensues.)
Bilbo: I don’t understand this. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, but this dragon has been blowing flames at us for what seems like forever. Why aren’t we all little piles of ashes now?
Thorin: What are you complaining about? Do you want to be a little pile of ash?
Bilbo: No.
Thorin: Good. Run!

(Thorin coasts down a molten stream of gold.)
Bilbo: That’s very impressive, but I still don’t understand. Why isn’t Thorin burnt to a crisp?
Fili and Kili: (From a town about fifty miles away) Possibly because our uncle, Thorin Dreamboatshield, is too hot to be burnt to a crisp by mere molten gold?
(Other dwarves shrug. Smaug gets coated with gold.)
Bilbo: That’s pretty, but it wasn’t actually terribly useful. We seem to have made him angry.
(Smaug shakes off the gold and flies off)
Bilbo: What have we done?
Fili and Kili: I guess we’ll have to wait a year to find out.

FIN

Coda one:
Kili: Why is there a big dwarf-made crossbow on the highest roof of this town? Do I get to use it?
Bard’s children: No! Our dad gets to use it!
Kili: But it’s dwarvish technology. I’m a dwarf! And I’m a great archer.
Fili: I’m a great archer, too.
Bard’s children: Our dad is better.
Tauriel: Really? I doubt he’s better than me.
Bilbo: (from about fifty miles away) I’m getting the sense that there’s a conflict between Tauriel and Bard for the kingship of Laketown. Is this possible?
Tauriel, Legolas, Fili, Kili, and Bard’s children: No!

Coda two:
Bard: The dragon is coming! Only I can slay him with my special black arrow! Will someone get me out of prison?
The Master of Laketown: No. Also, dragons don’t exist.
Bard and Bard’s children, in chorus: You wish!

Coda three:
Fili: So, little brother, do I get a beautiful Elven girlfriend in the next movie? (To Tauriel) Do you have a sister?
Tauriel: No!
Fili: Oh, too bad. I had this vision of having a long and happy marriage with an elven maiden. And then, after I die, she goes and lies down in a forest somewhere and the leaves cover her-
Tauriel: That is absurd.
Kili: Wrong movie, dude!
Tauriel: Will someone please tell me what a movie is?


Coda four (because this is a Peter Jackson movie, and he always has multiple climaxes):
Kili: There’s something I don’t understand. Why is this movie called the desolation of Smaug? What has he got to be sad about? He doesn’t seem very sad to me.
Dori, Legolas and Tauriel: That word? I do not think it means what you think it means.
Fili: Wrong movie, dudes!
Kili: Inconceivable!
Tauriel: I repeat, I am not a dude. And what is a movie?

Fin (really. Until next year!)

Comments

[anne-arthur.livejournal.com]

I liked it better than the first one - although I think Beorn could have been done properly, and Radagast continues to annoy me. And the division of the dwarves into Serious Dwarves and Comic Dwarves is getting more obvious - it really irritates me that one of them has an axe stuck in his head, of all things. I think what I probably like most is the scene-setting - they are very good at conveying the look of a civilization, whether it is the dwarf-halls, the elves' palace or Lake Town.

And I assume from the fact that Legolas does not mention her at all in LOTR, that Tauriel is not going to survive the next film.

Anyway, I hope that you are OK, and coping with the terrible weather.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

The terrible weather was - rather startling. We used to have winters this cold when I was a child, but it hasn't happened in a while. What's really hard to cope with, though, are the temperature swings. When I was a kid, we'd have settled cold for weeks, but now it seems we go from frigid cold to nearly spring-like weather in a week - and then back again.

As to the movie - I agree with you about Beorn. The actor playing him was great, and I think we could have had more of him, and done properly, rather than all the needless Orc mayhem in Lake Town. Actually, I rather like Radagast, and even the sled with the hares. But I find the bird droppings in his hair obnoxious - and it's not Tolkien. It's taken straight from The Sword in the Stone.

There's a dwarf with an axe in his head? Seriously? How did I manage to watch these two movies and totally miss that?!

Yes, I'm afraid Tauriel probably won't survive. I hope it's not set up that she dies trying to save Kili and Legolas blames the dwarf. A flaw in the book, IMHO, is that Fili and Kili's deaths are described in just a couple of sentences. But they die defending their Uncle Thorin. They ought to be with him at the time. There are many of us fans who will be (honestly!) rather pleased if the separation Jackson has set up ends up saving "the boys", but it would seriously falsify the book. So - mixed feelings about that whole storyline.

I didn't even notice the conflict being set up between Tauriel and Bard until I wrote this sporking. But, good heavens, it's there! And most unnecessary, too. OTOH, I did like Bard and his children - and I liked Tauriel, as well. But the echoes from LOTR were a bit weird here.

Oh - we also liked the movie, if anything, better than the first one. It had its flaws, and was a lot coarser and more obvious that Tolkien, but it was very good fun, and the cast is great - as is the scenery.

[anne-arthur.livejournal.com]

Hope the weather is better now - the sudden changes sound alarming, and must be especially bad for the wildlife. We've had a lot of rain, and there has been flooding in Oxford and many other parts of the country, but it has been very mild (so far).

It's Bifur who has the axe in his head. I probably wouldn't have noticed myself if I hadn't looked at an online 'meet the dwarves' page.
Yes, I also rather liked Beorn, and was sorry they didn't make more of him, and like you, could have done with less time for the orcs. I liked Bard and his family too. I do like Radagast, and the hares are not a bad idea, but he just doesn't seem to be being written as someone who is the same kind of being as Gandalf and Saruman. I would perhaps expect him to be not quite in Gandalf's league, but he seems to be too much of a figure of fun too much of the time. As you say, the bird droppings in his hair are especially ridiculous.

And I've just heard that the project to edit and the heresy depositions has been funded, so as of May I will be back in York. I am hugely relieved!

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's wonderful! Congratulations!