concrit, anyone? ( a work in progress)

[mary_j_59]

This is the first part of an original fic I've had in mind for some time. David, if you're still checking in, I'd be glad to hear how you like it. Of course, everyone else is very welcome to comment, too!

About 600 words, g-rated, no warning, but, since it's SF, probably not to everyone's taste. This is the prologue to a novel (hopefully). The working title is "Honor" and the main characters are a 15 year old girl and 16 year old boy. More after the cut:





Honor

Prologue (first draft)

The boy nodded sharply at the girl holding the holocam and began to speak a second after she started to record. His lips seemed pale to her - he had been gnawing them, - and his eyes were glassy. But, though his voice shook a bit when he began, it soon steadied, and he continued in a monotone. Both of them knew the declaration must be perfect.

I, who was once Kiril Tesurik, renounce my family, my name, and my life. I am dust and ashes. I have no name. He who was my father, Varen Kelesta, is dead to me. I do not know him. The woman Lirith, who was my aunt, is dead to me. The man Keren, who is her husband, is dead to me. . . .

The declaration was long. It had to be. Kiril named every member of his household, from his great-aunt to the youngest servant child. Then the animals the serfs kept for their milk and fur. Then the house, the land, every field and all the crops. There must be nothing omitted, no way for the police to take their revenge on his family, once he had become a traitor and a criminal. He paused and then swallowed when he came to the names of Merike and Skel, their two favorite cousins, but he kept going. It seemed to the girl that he would speak forever; the first of the moons had already risen, just ahead of the sunset. They must finish soon. Then she heard him say, "All these are dead to me. I have no clan, no land, no home. I am outcast and nameless. I am dead."

She pressed the switch to stop recording, and Kiril came to stand beside her, reaching for the camera. "Here," she said to him, " this is the switch." He nodded and she put the camera in his hand. Her hands looked very small and dark compared to his. "Is there anything else I should know?" she heard him asking.

"No. Just that one; you turn it up to record." He nodded again and she walked forward to stand where he had been standing, by a taller bit of wall. She took a deep breath, but suddenly it seemed that she was choking. Her chest felt tight, as though she couldn't possibly get enough air. "Niki?" Kiril said. She let out her breath in a sort of sob, took another deep breath and jerked her chin at him. She could do it. She had to. And, when she began to speak, the words came out perfectly, just as she had intended them to. "I, who was once Thanike Tesurik, renounce my family, my name and my life. I am dust and ashes. I have no name."

The boy, Kiril, kept his eyes fixed on his cousin. It seemed to him that it might give her strength if he looked steadily at her, and, indeed, she was looking into his eyes as she spoke, and not at the eye of the camera. Her voice shook as she named her parents, and he gasped slightly in sympathy, but she went on. He could tell that she would finish, just as he had. They had already done their mourning; the time for that was over. They were dead now, and the dead do not mourn.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Wow -- this is awesome -- but what happens next?? Enquiring minds want to know...

WAY to short, imo.

:-D (it's Deirdre, of course!)

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Deirdre! It will take me awhile, but I have an idea of what happens next - will keep you posted. I'm very glad you liked it.

M (grrl 1)

Mistake?

[(Anonymous)]

I just noticed something -- isn't SHE looking into HIS eyes as SHE spoke?

That's how I read it it first, but then I saw that the words didn't say that... is it a typo?

Re: Mistake?

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Eek! I looked again, and you're quite right! I'll fix it - that's what you get for writing stories at 1:00 in the morning!

(Is this Deirdre again, btw?)

Good so far: Will it continue

[wildgirl116.livejournal.com]

This seems like the beginning to a great story, because it hints at so many things without giving any concrete answers. We are told only that these children are renouncing their families in order to protect them, because the children will become criminals. That in and of itself is intriguing, and you have a great, very descriptive writing style which makes it entertaining to read. You've really got something here, and you should keep going with it!

Re: Good so far: Will it continue

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And I will definitely keep going, but it may take me awhile - I am a slow writer, and am finishing up a short story (part of the "Christopher" series) right now. I've also got a final Snape essay nagging at me, begging to be written, and a couple of other projects as well, but I *am* going to continue with this. It's been in my head and my heart for many years now, and I'm really happy to have started. :)

I've never written a novel, though, so the prospect is a bit scary; it's like starting to climb a very high mountain without knowing quite what's ahead of you! But I know who these kids are and (more or less) how they got to this situation, and where the story's going in the immediate future. That's enough to start with, isn't it? The only way I know to tell a story, I'm afraid, is to follow it along and see where it takes me - and, believe it or not, even in this short intro, there have already been a couple of surprises!

Thanks again for commenting. It's very encouraging. And there will be more! It might take awhile, but I will finish this story.

Write

[(Anonymous)]

Hi- it's dave- I like it so far. Keep going!!!!! Suggestion: this should be the first page of the novel, not a prologue. Then you can go back to where the narrative starts from. That will help to capture the readers at the beginning of the book.

O, by the way, I've written the first part of my novel. THe parts I outlined are all written out. It's 100 pages. if you want to read it just pop me an e-mail

_dave

Re: Write

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Yes! Yes1 I want to read it! Will email you in case you're not checking this site. (And I can't believe you managed to write so much while getting ready for college - well, I told you I was slow!)

I will be getting back to this one after I come back from vacation in a week or two. Probably I'll tackle the short story and essay first, and then I'll try to really focus on this one. Will keep you posted; thanks for the encouragement!

[anne-arthur.livejournal.com]

This is excellent - I like sci-fi, and this really arouses my curiosity, both about how they got into this situation and about what will happen next. I agree with Dave above, that this should be the beginning of the story, not the prologue. Otherwise - please post more, when you have it.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, Anne! Before you and David commented, it had never occurred to me that people might not read this if it were a prologue - I always read prologues, but I guess other people don't! So I'll change that.

Am just back from Maine tonight, and am eager to get writing again, but, as I said, it'll take me awhile to get back to this one. If you want a little more, you could go back to the character sketch I did some months ago - it was a prep for this.

BTW, I think I told you I have the button ready to send? Could you email me privately and let me know where to send it?

Thanks again for the encouragement. I am turning various ways to proceed around in my mind and looking at them; we'll be plunging 10 or 12 years back in time and then working forward to this point and beyond. I'll keep you posted. )

[sylvanawood.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is interesting! I want to read more! Do you mind if I friend you?

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Certainly you may friend me! I will do the same. And thanks for the encouragement. Am still at work on my final Snape essay, which I do intend to post to Snapedom as well as here - then I will get back to this. Because I do hope to publish it one day, I'm not sure how much I can or should post online, but I'll try to put up the next section, at any rate. Please be patient, though - it may take awhile for me to get to it. But I'm going to keep going!

[sylvanawood.livejournal.com]

I actually came here to look for your Michael Griffin story and then I found this. If you want to publish it, a few teasers should be enough for us. :)

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks! In any case, I'm very glad everyone likes it. You know what got me to finally set it down? I'd been criticizing DH on some board, and someone said to me, "If you know so much, go and write something better." So I thought, what the heck? These characters have been in my head for twenty years, and I have a story - I think. Why not try?

I really appreciate your taking the time to browse through my stuff when you are in such a painful period of your life, and I wish you peace and success with your future plans. I've gone through this livejournal and tried to make sure all the stories were tagged; I have two sets of stories, the first three or four dealing with Snape and Dumbledore in the Potterverse. The first one is called "Aftermath". Then there is "the Blessing" (which, along with "Aftermath", may be the story you want) - and then there are the three "Christopher stories", dealing with Snape and his son. "The Blessing" and this last one, "Reeling through the Stars", are pretty much independent of Rowling, andi'm quite proud of them; I also like "Tommy Serpent", which - almost - stands alone as well.

And that may be too much information altogether. As I said, best wishes, and again, I'm sorry for your loss.

[sylvanawood.livejournal.com]

Thank you! You know, something good to read is always a good distraction.

[arkan2.livejournal.com]

Looks pretty good. The tension's there right from the start, you've already begun the worldbuilding, and I can just tell that we're in for something original.

In deference to your request, I won't critique now. (You're absolutely right: get it finished first. Then polish it. Then show the polished copy around and get editorial suggestions from friends/fellow writers.)

So I'll just comment that when I read "All of us serve the emperor," in Chapter 1, I immediately think "main villain." Make of that what you will.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading, and thanks also, for not training the critical guns on me right away! (and I do apologize for not getting back to you sooner.)

But - you are wrong about the emperor. We never even meet the emperor. It's not quite that predictable - I hope!

[arkan2.livejournal.com]

(No problem, I wasn't really expecting an answer.)

This is one of those cases when I'm happy to be wrong. I just thought you should know that when experienced fantasy buffs hear allusions to "the emperor" (and probably "the king"), that thought will be in our minds because it's the cliche fantasy thing to do. You might, if you wanted, play up this "emperor" character as a red herring for your readers - or not, as you see fit.