A third try at the query

[mary_j_59]

Here's another attempt at the query. R.J. and Deirdre, thanks so much for your help! I think this is definitely a lot better than my first try, but I'm not sure it's there yet. More under the cut-


Sometimes you have to do what is right, even if it costs you your life.

16-year-old Kiril Tesurik knows this. He knows his little brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel Lord Marakis uses children – cheaper and easier to replace than robots – to carry explosives down tunnels. The elders of his family intend to bring their case before the high nobles at the annual court session. But they have no solid proof, and a man like Marakis wouldn't hesitate to lie. Besides, Kennet might be dead by then.

Kiril has sworn to the gods that he will protect his brother. But, on Telanan, the government will punish your entire family for any crime you commit. In order to rescue Kennet, Kiril will have to lie, steal, and betray everyone he loves, losing his life, his home, his family, and his honor.

If Kiril does everything perfectly, no punishment will fall on anyone else – only on him. He' knows everything he needs to carry out his plan, except for one detail he's forgotten. He hasn't planned to survive. He doesn't know how to go on living as a nameless creature, a ghost among aliens. To do this, and to go on protecting his brother, may require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined.

HONOR is a standalone SF novel for young adults, complete at 80.600 words. I am contacting (agency) because, as a teen librarian, I am familiar with several of the authors you represent and would be honored to be in their company. A short story from this novel has been published in issue 31 of "Mythic Circle", and I am working on two shorter fantasy novels for middle-grade children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Comments

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

Much improved! Thought, thinking like an agent (i.e. with a view to how the book might sell to both a publisher and to bookstores) I still kind of want to know why it's SF and not fantasy, when fantasy is a much easier sell and it's hard to see anything in the query* that requires the book to be SF.

In all honesty, it really SOUNDS like a secondary-world fantasy to me with the mention of Lords and honor and so on, and all the mock covers you've shown (Kiril with a sword) also scream fantasy rather than SF. I'm assuming you made the genre choice you did for a good reason, but if so, I think the agent will need a bit more evidence that the SF elements are crucial to the book.

Essentially, though, I do think it's a fine solid query!

--
* I mean, yes, you mention robots, but explosives aren't exclusive to SF, and in theory you could just have the evil Lord decide that kids are the best way to take explosives down tunnels without even bringing robots in as an option.

[litlover12.livejournal.com]

I haven't kept up very well lately, so I didn't realize you were working on a query till now. But if I may, I'd like to recommend these links:

http://cba-ramblings.blogspot.com/search/label/Query%20critique

http://cba-ramblings.blogspot.com/search/label/Query%20letters

My agent runs this blog. I'm afraid she never takes SF or fantasy -- no exceptions. (She just doesn't like the genres and so she doesn't believe she can represent them fairly.) However, she's got a lot of useful tips here that I hope you'll find helpful.

[sylvanawood.livejournal.com]

I'm completely ignorant of how these things work, but I think the third paragraph is too much. The first two grip me and I want to read, the third I want to figure out myself. It takes a bit of the tension away if I know in the beginning that he'll survive, unless this is told as a flashback? Or the main story is his the time after the rescue?

[arkan2.livejournal.com]

Looks pretty good, but I think good pitches are supposed to be a bit shorter.

Fortunately, there are a number of parts I would suggest cutting anyway, because they're tangential and only distract from the main idea that you're pitching.

So we have these lines:

He knows his little brother has been kidnapped and sent to the desert mines, where the cruel Lord Marakis uses children – cheaper and easier to replace than robots – to carry explosives down tunnels. The elders of his family intend to bring their case before the high nobles at the annual court session. But they have no solid proof, and a man like Marakis wouldn't hesitate to lie. Besides, Kennet might be dead by then.

I'm of two minds on the final paragraph. On the one hand, I feel it also wanders from the point when it goes into Kiril not having a backup plan in case he survives. On the other, I like that concept, it feels more original than the rest of the pitch, and I absolutely love this line: "may require heroism of a kind Kiril has never imagined."

So I guess my suggestion to you is this: ask yourself which question about Kiril you want to predominate the pitch? Do you want your pitch to be about Kiril's decision to lose family, house and honor to protect his brother? Or do you want it to be about Kiril finding the heroism to survive "as a nameless creature, a ghost among aliens"?

Don't try to address both. Pick one, and center your pitch around it. Address the other question only so much as is necessary to explain the main question.


... and whatever you do, don't blink. Good luck.

Hey Mary-- I have another question

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

Well, Maria (who, as you know, is very brilliant ;-) was talking about the "speculative fiction" thing today. And she thought you might want to avoid pigeonholing yourself.

The book is clearly fiction -- why don't you just say that, with an age range, possibley? That way, people won't throw it away because they "don't read" this or that kind of thing. Speculative fiction might be too limiting, too.

Just a thought!

<3~Deirdre