Yet another stab at the query - or, would you read this novel?

[mary_j_59]

With much thanks for the input of Mike Mullin, Deirdrej, my Dad and a few others who commented on various boards, I've rewritten the query once again. Here it is - and this time, I really do think I've got it. I'm never going to please everyone, and am a little sad at what I've had to leave out, but I think this does represent the book well. I particularly like that the shape of the query echoes the shape of the book. :)

When he was alive, and had a name, he was Kiril Tesurik. He will be the last in his family to bear that name. No one will want it after him.

Kiril grew up knowing he would be head of his family. At sixteen, he is old enough to plan crop rotations, to buy and sell land, and to defend his clan's honor. He has fought duels, and won them. He has always welcomed responsibility, and never feared any of his duties. But now he is afraid. He doesn’t fear robbing the powerful lord who robbed his family; he doesn’t even fear death. He is terrified of hurting the people he loves.

Kiril becomes a thief in order to right a great wrong. His little half-brother, the son of an alien slave, has vanished. There is no solid proof that their elders could bring before the court, but Kiril knows that Lord Marakis has stolen the little boy. Marakis uses children to carry explosives in his mines, and many are maimed for life. Many more die. Kiril cannot let that happen to his brother. He intends to steal him back, stow away aboard a alien ship, and bring the little boy to his mother's people.

But, if he robs Marakis, the man will have the right to punish Kiril's family. In order to protect them, Kiril has renounced his name and declared himself dead. Now he hopes for only two mercies from the gods. He hopes his brother will find a home with the Terrans, and that the rest of his family will be safe. He expects no mercy for himself. He is dead.

HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at approximately 83,000 words. (and so on)

Comments

[mike mullin (from livejournal.com)]

I'd read it! Love the grabbing opening line and paragraph. You also do a great job in this version varying your sentence structure--it reads beautifully. I also like the last line sentence: "He is dead." Picks up the theme from the beginning nicely. If you want nitpicks, email it to me--it's too much of a pain to point out that stuff in a blog comment. Well done!

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Mike! Between my sister and me, I really thought it was perfect when I posted, but I just noticed I have "aliens" in one place and "Terrans" in another - also, Kennet's name creeps in at the end. Do you think I ought to name him? In any case, I have to fix those inconsistencies.

Anyway, I am very glad you like the first paragraph. Someone on the agent query board slammed it, saying Kiril was either dead, or he wasn't, so what was this nonsense? (Obviously, they didn't say it that harshly!). At that point, I decided I really couldn't please everyone, and wasn't going to try. ;)

[mike mullin (from livejournal.com)]

No, I wouldn't name Kennet. Fewer names is better in a time and attention stressed reading environment. And I wouldn't worry too much about one negative comment. If you get a bunch that seem similar, then take them seriously.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Right - I'll take out his name, then. That's a small loss - I was sorry to lose Niki, who is one of my viewpoint characters, but I'd already lost Skel, who's another. What I'm left with does capture the heart of the story - it would take me far too long to explain the other kids and their roles.

But I prefer "Terrans" to "aliens". Getting mixed feedback on that one.