Yet another stab at the query - or, would you read this novel?

[mary_j_59]

With much thanks for the input of Mike Mullin, Deirdrej, my Dad and a few others who commented on various boards, I've rewritten the query once again. Here it is - and this time, I really do think I've got it. I'm never going to please everyone, and am a little sad at what I've had to leave out, but I think this does represent the book well. I particularly like that the shape of the query echoes the shape of the book. :)

When he was alive, and had a name, he was Kiril Tesurik. He will be the last in his family to bear that name. No one will want it after him.

Kiril grew up knowing he would be head of his family. At sixteen, he is old enough to plan crop rotations, to buy and sell land, and to defend his clan's honor. He has fought duels, and won them. He has always welcomed responsibility, and never feared any of his duties. But now he is afraid. He doesn’t fear robbing the powerful lord who robbed his family; he doesn’t even fear death. He is terrified of hurting the people he loves.

Kiril becomes a thief in order to right a great wrong. His little half-brother, the son of an alien slave, has vanished. There is no solid proof that their elders could bring before the court, but Kiril knows that Lord Marakis has stolen the little boy. Marakis uses children to carry explosives in his mines, and many are maimed for life. Many more die. Kiril cannot let that happen to his brother. He intends to steal him back, stow away aboard a alien ship, and bring the little boy to his mother's people.

But, if he robs Marakis, the man will have the right to punish Kiril's family. In order to protect them, Kiril has renounced his name and declared himself dead. Now he hopes for only two mercies from the gods. He hopes his brother will find a home with the Terrans, and that the rest of his family will be safe. He expects no mercy for himself. He is dead.

HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at approximately 83,000 words. (and so on)

Comments

[mike mullin (from livejournal.com)]

I'd read it! Love the grabbing opening line and paragraph. You also do a great job in this version varying your sentence structure--it reads beautifully. I also like the last line sentence: "He is dead." Picks up the theme from the beginning nicely. If you want nitpicks, email it to me--it's too much of a pain to point out that stuff in a blog comment. Well done!

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Mike! Between my sister and me, I really thought it was perfect when I posted, but I just noticed I have "aliens" in one place and "Terrans" in another - also, Kennet's name creeps in at the end. Do you think I ought to name him? In any case, I have to fix those inconsistencies.

Anyway, I am very glad you like the first paragraph. Someone on the agent query board slammed it, saying Kiril was either dead, or he wasn't, so what was this nonsense? (Obviously, they didn't say it that harshly!). At that point, I decided I really couldn't please everyone, and wasn't going to try. ;)

[mike mullin (from livejournal.com)]

No, I wouldn't name Kennet. Fewer names is better in a time and attention stressed reading environment. And I wouldn't worry too much about one negative comment. If you get a bunch that seem similar, then take them seriously.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Right - I'll take out his name, then. That's a small loss - I was sorry to lose Niki, who is one of my viewpoint characters, but I'd already lost Skel, who's another. What I'm left with does capture the heart of the story - it would take me far too long to explain the other kids and their roles.

But I prefer "Terrans" to "aliens". Getting mixed feedback on that one.

[puckling.livejournal.com]

He expects no mercy for himself. He is dead.

Based on that I would totally read it! (and I was supposed to, wasn't I? >.> <.< Ummmm, oops? Sorry!)

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Well, it's not too late! I have been revising, and am finishing those revisions now; you could look at the newer version - but only if you really think you'll have time. It's a fairly long book.

[sigune.livejournal.com]

I think it's a compelling summary :). No experience with publishers, though.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I have none, too. ) (and how is the kitty?)

[anne-arthur.livejournal.com]

I like it too - like the others, I especially like the first and last sentences. This 'death' that is clearly not what we mean by the word whets my curiosity. (I also like the way 'aliens' become specified as 'Terrans' - aliens with whom we will be very familiar! - even though I realize that that was not intentional. But others with more experience may not like it.) I don't like 'But what he must do now makes his mind go blank, and he thinks he must be afraid' - it is too melodramatic, I think. But otherwise - it would certainly make me read the book.

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Interesting that you found that phrase too melodramatic; others on the query board had found it too matter-of-fact and wanted more drama! But I can see what you mean, and so can Deirdre. She had some ideas of how to change it.

In any case, I'm glad that you and Deirdre both think it works - in spite of all I had to cut out. :) Hope all is going well with you in your new place.

[anne-arthur.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the delay in replying - for some reason my email did not notify me of this. The flat is fine - much warmer than the old one, and with amazing views of the canal and river. I'm doing a lot of bird-watching!

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

Hi, Mary!

I think this is really sharp now! There's just one thing I'm still wondering about: 3rd sentence, 3rd paragraph, "their elders." Since all of the rest of the query is (now) just about Kiril, should it be "his elders?"

It's not a big problem, because the plural does imply that the lives of both Kiril and his little brother are governed -- and protected -- by the same laws. "They" are now the two boys. Maybe this is really good? In other ways the sentence is interesting -- it implies that Kiril's society puts some strictures -- maybe illogical ones -- on both his rights and his responsibilities. He "would" be the head of his family, but maybe he isn't yet, or he would be able to bring his case before the court himself.

The implications are really interesting -- but you could avoid them, and still move the story along, if you rephrased just a little.

Maybe something like: There is no solid proof, nothing he could bring before a court of law, but Kiril knows....etc.

(I couldn't -- at first -- figure out why that particular sentence bothered me, but I think I've got it, now ;-D)

In any event, it's an EXTREMELY minor quibble.

Aargh! Sorry -- I forgot!

[deirdrej.livejournal.com]

Sentence structure, second to last sentence? Should it be strictly parallel, or not?

He hopes his brother ... and that
OR
He hopes that his brother ... and that

This is even more minor that my last point, because it's just about rhythm and page visuals. Nothing else.

I'm thinking maybe I like it best the way you have it (despite my fondness for parallel sentence structures).

What do you think?

Re: Aargh! Sorry -- I forgot!

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

Actually, I think I'd like to put in the "that" ;)

As to your comment above, I may leave it. Yes, there are implications there - Kiril actually hasn't reached his majority, but has attained adult responsibility in some things. It's a bit like kids' status in the Roman empire - they attained the age of reason at 7, were largely adult at 14, and became fully adult at 21, if I'm remembering correctly. Among the Telaka, the age of majority is 19. So the policeman is actually abusing his authority when he treats Skel as head of the family. It's actually Skel and his mom at that point. Kiril's situation is different because he has no adult who is as closely in line for the headship as he is. If that makes any sense? Maybe it doesn't!

Anyway, thanks as always for your comments. I think I am going with this one, after making that correction. Will send it out to a few more agents next week.